Just last week (April 2018), I reviewed the information I had visible on my Facebook profile, eager to update my relationship status. Because I had never been in a “real relationship,” my relationship status mostly read “it’s complicated” for years. Now that I think about it, why was this even an option? Either you’re in a relationship or you’re not, right? 

What I failed to realize was that the most complicated thing about any of my relationships was me. I could’ve easily communicated what I desired in a relationship, but guess what? I didn’t know how to express my wants and needs. As a result, I settled for one complicated situation after another because I desperately wanted my relationship status to change. I didn’t know I had to change my relationship status with myself first before that change could happen with anyone else.

There’s absolutely, positively no way you can give something to someone if you can’t give it to yourself. And don’t even think about being able to receive it. I spent so many years angry and bitter toward people who did nothing except hold up a mirror to my face. Through their actions, I could see what I had become, a broken shell of a person who had way too much pride to admit her own faults, so much so that she blamed others for the mess her life had become. If this isn’t complicated, then I don’t know what is.

It took me not being in any type of relationship to learn how to be with myself. I’ve heard several people say that you can’t expect someone to be with you if you wouldn’t want to be with you. I agree with them. During my time of solitude, I was forced to deal with the good, the bad, and the (extremely) ugly things that had impacted my self-love. Unfortunately, I realized I didn’t have much.

I never considered loving myself a priority because I expected someone else to do it for me. I expected someone else to put in the work that I wasn’t willing to put in for myself. That’s what hindered me from being selfless in my relationships with others. Yes, I would give and give and give, but not with the right intentions. I wanted to keep something for myself. Something that couldn’t comfort me. Something that couldn’t support me, not even encourage me, love me, or nourish me. It’s that very thing that forced me to finally see myself, the real me. It forced me to see the barrier that had prevented me from giving and receiving love properly: low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is a tricky thing. It makes you think you’re okay when you’re not, and that you’re not okay when you are. It makes you think you need people’s validation when you don’t, or that you don’t need help when you do. Low self-esteem affects your judgment and perception, making you think too highly or lowly of yourself and others. It blocks you from experiencing true peace, forming a barrier that only pure, unconditional love can penetrate.

Since I’ve been tearing away at that barrier (through Jesus and therapy), I’ve noticed a better me breaking through. A more loving me. A more honest me. A more open me. A wiser me. A happier me. Someone who knows her worth and accepts nothing less. Someone who understands the power of speaking life over herself. Someone who I’m proud to say I’m in a relationship with and will remain committed to for the rest of my life. 

The next time my relationship status changes, I will be in a relationship. But there won’t be anything complicated about it. Why? Because nothing’s complicated about love when you love yourself first.

 

Confess with Me: I deserve to give love to myself and others. I deserve to receive love from myself and others.