Say what you want about Kanye West, but so many of his songs have spoken to my soul. His “All Falls Down” is number one on that list. While I have the incomparable Ms. Lauryn Hill to thank for the original song, I tip my hat off to Mr. West for taking it to another level.

The first five lines of the song tell the story of my life: a young girl who’s so self-conscious and insecure that she’s willing to stick to a bad plan to avoid looking like a failure to other people, especially her parents. It’s no secret my college days were some of my worst days (check out “Class Is in Session: The Real Cost of Higher Education”), but it took me years to realize how much of a hand my insecurities played in that experience. 

During those days, I desired more than a career, a degree, or money. I desired love. I desired real love that could be shared only between two people whom God had designed for each other. The type of love that sticks with you all throughout the day and all throughout the night. The type of love that no time, space or distance could ever separate. There was one problem with that, though. I had no idea what real love actually looked like.

My idea of love involved control and lots of it. I believed that if I could control the way I was loved, then I could stop a heartbreak dead in its tracks. I could get ahead of the hurt and pain and avoid months, and maybe years, of healing from it all. However, this idea of love didn’t allow much room for communication, honesty or trust. How else could I have manipulated a situation to work in my favor? Even though this method worked for my first relationship in high school, it didn’t make it past my freshman year in college.

Imagine my surprise when I fell head over heels for someone who was playing a game of his own. Someone who was working hard to avoid feeling much of anything except for what served him. Someone who seemingly gave so much love all at once, only to nickel and dime it out over time. We would go months, and sometimes years, without speaking, and then pick back up like we never left, only to go back to not speaking. It was like he knew he had me, and in a way, he did. He spoke to my insecurities, and they listened up every single time.

Each time I spoke to this dude seemed like an opportunity for hope. An opportunity for us to finally give real love a try. I can’t tell you how many times I literally waited for him to show up, only for him not to. Or how many times hearing him say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” would tug at my heartstrings when he hardly ever showed it. Proving that I could be a mature woman in a grown-up relationship meant way more to me than earning any degree. That’s why I was willing to try every single time he showed up. That’s why my life took a tumble each time he didn’t.

Just last night (sometime in 2024), I was reminded of a song I used to keep on repeat during my senior year of college. “Oooh This Love Is So” by Al B. Sure! would keep me in my feelings even though it was already over two decades old. At the time, I was involved with someone who was involved with someone else, simply because the person I wanted to be with was always involved with someone else. While I secretly hoped that situationship would eventually evolve into a full-blown relationship (yes I know I was delusional), I only wanted that to happen so that I could stop yearning for the other guy. I hated how much I still wanted him because it didn’t make sense for me to want him. I hated how much I loved him because it didn’t make sense for me to love him, either. I hated how the events of his life had the power to affect mine when all I wanted was for us to build a life together.

Until March 2023, I still believed that maybe one day we could build a life together. The only difference between me last year and me sixteen years ago was that I finally learned how to choose myself. No longer did I operate from insecurity or lack. I learned how to operate from wholeness and abundance. With God’s help, and a therapist, I was able to piece my life back together and learn a couple of things. 1) I realized that loving this person did not determine my worth. God had already done that before I was formed in my mother’s womb. 2) I also realized that loving this person did not determine my success. Choosing to live a life that honors God does. 

Yes, there are times when I wonder if I missed out on what or whom God truly had for me during those precious college years because I was so preoccupied with what and who I wanted to satisfy my insecurities. But as I type these words, I’m reminded that everything worked out according to God’s plan for me. I could see that I never lacked any good thing, and that all the love I ever wanted could be found in Him. God had already paid the price of true love through His precious son, Jesus, so there was no need for me to pay even more for something cheap and counterfeit. That kind of love won’t ever be worth the cost.

 

Confess with Me: I’m more than enough because God says I’m enough. His love for me is priceless.