For years, I’ve struggled with letting go of the past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t let go of all the things I didn’t do and probably should’ve done, or all the things I did do and probably shouldn’t have done. I would spend hours upon hours (cue “Hrs and Hrs” by Muni Long) replaying certain scenes in my head, looking for ways to redo them, desperately searching for a different outcome. Not realizing I was wasting my time because not ever in my lifetime would I receive the chance to relive those moments. Even though those days were over, I was far from being over them.

I spent most of my adolescence and early adulthood so stuck in the past that I couldn’t focus on where I was or where I was headed. While I had overcome so many obstacles and achieved so many accomplishments, I couldn’t enjoy them because I was still holding on to who could’ve been there with me, how they should’ve been there with me, and how much more I would’ve accomplished had they been there with me. Even amid those thoughts, I still had room to contemplate how much more I had to do to prove my worth to those people. 

Trapped by this faulty thinking, I honestly believed other people were responsible for my unhappiness. I often thought, If only they had done this, or if only they had done that, then I wouldn’t be where I am. I would be loved. I would be better. I would be happy. It’s taken me over 10 years to realize I could’ve been loved, I should’ve been better, and I would’ve been happy . . . if only I had been strong enough to let go.

It’s a tough pill to swallow (a big ol’ horse pill as my momma likes to say) when you realize the only thing stopping you from living a life full of joy, love and peace—the life you deserve—is you. My defeated attitude and faulty way of thinking forced me to live in survival mode, where I played the role of a victim all too well. I believed everyone and everything was out to get me and destroy me in some way, which made it easy to ignore my own self-destruction. Because I needed a reason to justify my anger, my hurt and my pain, I pointed the finger at others, thinking if they were who I “thought” they were or had they done what I “wanted” them to do, then I wouldn’t have been entangled in such a deep mess. 

The truth of the matter is, if I had known who I truly was, or if I had done what God had positioned me to do, then I wouldn’t have looked to others for fulfillment. I would’ve looked to Him and Him alone. If I had known that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, then I wouldn’t have looked to others for validation. I would’ve reminded myself that greater is He that is within me. If I had perceived each of my relationships as a mirror to my own life, then I wouldn’t have held so many grudges. I wouldn’t have pushed so many people away. I would’ve sought the Lord and asked Him to cleanse me and purify my heart. I would’ve asked God to allow my life to be in right standing with Him.

Here’s another truth: The true art of letting go is learning how to step aside and let God step in. When you give your every care and concern to the Lord, you lighten your load. You free up space. You open your eyes to see the path before you. Nothing weighs you down. Nothing stands in your way. Nothing holds you back. You are free. And he who the Son sets free is free indeed.

 

Confess with Me: I am strong enough to let go of the past. I am confident enough to stand firm in the present. I am brave enough to face the future.