Whether in movies or real life, it’s always bothered me to hear people say “play your position” or “know your place.” Quite often, the individuals who say this are likely involved with multiple people at once when, in reality, no one has a true place or position. My advice for people trying to figure out where they fit? Stop trying to figure it out and just leave!

I would much rather talk about real, grownup relationships, particularly those that involve accepting the life someone lived prior to the life they now share with you. You know what I mean, making peace with previous sexual partners, serious relationships, cohabitation, engagements, marriage, children, anything that involves someone else sharing the things you currently share or intend to share with this person. Everyone wants to be the first, but when that place has already been filled, we’re likely to become obsessed with being the best this or being the real that. Even thinking, “So what if she was here first? She ain’t me. She can’t do it like me.” In thinking in this way, you’re just marking your territory, or your place, not defining your position. 

The place other people have in someone’s life has nothing to do with your position. When you try to force people out of their place or belittle them to play up your position, that’s where you lose ground. You no longer operate from the value you hold in someone’s life. You begin operating from wanting to be in a better position than the other person, which shouldn’t be your concern. Yes, you must accept the place people held (and may still hold if kids are involved) in someone’s life before you solidified your position, but that doesn’t mean you have to compete with it. This issue alone often prevents people from fostering healthy relationships. Some people are too busy trying to define their significant other’s past relationships that they fail to define their own relationship. Wondering if something was there that isn’t anymore or never was. Torturing yourself with insignificant thoughts. Creating trust issues that shouldn’t be an issue. Before you even realize it, these faulty thinking patterns have evolved into a never-ending cycle. Let me explain.

Even after I thought I had accepted the past, I still struggled with being a girlfriend in my previous relationship. Of course, you would think that’s the first step you take when you’re in a committed relationship, but I once thought the title of “girlfriend” was beneath me because of how much love I felt and how long I had felt it. In reality, I hated I wasn’t ever really this guy’s girlfriend when we were younger because I honestly thought we would’ve already been married with kids by the time we finally became a couple, which is something he actually experienced with someone else during our time apart. Being a girlfriend seemed like I was being reduced to less than my worth because I was still focused on what we “could’ve been” by then instead of what we were. I had to realize the word girlfriend is only a title, and titles change over time. It’s your position that matters most, what role you play in that person’s life. How that person prioritizes you in their life.

Here’s how I see it: a position is active and identifies what is; a place is just a marker that indicates what once was. More importantly, a position grows and matures. It withstands tests and trials. If you begin feeling stagnant in your relationship, or if your title has changed but your priority really hasn’t, chances are there’s little evolution in your relationship. And that’s a clear indicator that something needs to change. 

Even though my initial feelings surfaced from feeling left out of someone’s past, which had absolutely nothing to do with me just like mine had absolutely nothing to do with him, I realized that within five years of us reconnecting, nothing had really changed. He was still distant, still inconsistent, and still resistant to change. What did that communicate to me? I had no real position in his life. Instead of trying to force the issue, I bowed out gracefully and accepted my place in his life, which is now just a marker in time.

While you can’t change the past, you can influence your future by being mindful of where you put your focus. I had to learn that the hard way, and I’m still learning. But the good thing is, I’m too busy thinking of what lies ahead to be focused on former things that no longer matter, and probably never did. The position I play in my life will always be one of importance, and I will never trade that just to have a place in someone else’s. 

 

Confess with Me: My love deserves to be a priority, and I refuse to accept anything less.